I feel my heart feels heavy at the moment with worrying about the future. I know that I am very lucky in many respects, I have a loving husband, a wonderful son and supportive family. We have jobs and we make ends meet, our home is nice and we don't go without food. I know that there are so many people less fortunate, I know this.
What is worrying me right now is what does our future hold? At the moment I feel our hands our tied financially and of course this has a bearing on our lives and I feel our happiness. Take just earlier, I popped out of the flat to take the bin out. I was immediately struck by how warm it was outside and how lovely it must be to sit out in the garden, at this time of the day, just relaxing letting the world go by. I walked down the road thinking how nice it is to be outdoors in the summer, seeing as we spend so much of our time indoors during the winter months. Unlike other countries, our outdoor living is comparatively short lived.
I have these terrible guilty feelings lately, for Beastie. Before he came along my priorities and outlook were different. I felt that we could change most aspects of our lives if we so wanted to. I have upped sticks and moved a few times around the country and have never been afraid of embracing change, I like change. What has struck me now though is that although we would dearly love to move, we are financially unable to. Every now and then I have a brain wave about how we can get out it but it always ends up with the same conclusion, we can't.
My worries are centred around what kind of childhood we can offer Beastie. I don't expect a long sweeping garden complete with a tree house (although that would be nice), I would just like some outdoor space with some sunlight and a place for him to run about and let off steam, mess about with a sand pit and water table and career round in his car, if he so wishes. Our childhoods mould who we are and I am aware of that lately. At the moment it feels like we might be living here for many more years, something which we never banked on when the market was at it's peak when we bought. We were lucky to get a mortgage when we did but it feels like a mill around our neck now. The fact we didn't choose a house will always niggle away at me. Quite simply we were living the lifestyle that suited us then, not really thinking ahead to when two become three.
Now the babyhood stage has passed we are faced with much more, a small person is being guided by my husband and I. We decide what he sees and experiences and I wonder whether he is experiencing what he should. I dread him having memories of being confined to a flat and even worse having no real memories of outdoor fun (at home) when he was little. It doesn't help the fact that I don't like the area that we live in and I don't always feel comfortable visiting some of the local parks and even walking around the area surrounding us. I worry what life will be like when Beastie is a teenager and what living in this area will be like then, times have already changed so much from when I was little, it's scary.
I guess we always think the grass is greener on the other side, that's part of human nature. If we didn't want to try and better our lives and look forward to new things then life would become a little dull and samey. I wonder whether we are ever truly happy when we reach our longed for goals?
What I have concluded is that something needs to change in our lives, I know that much. More than anything I need to make a concerted effort to take Beastie out more, to try and enjoy as much as the great outdoors can offer us. We need to focus on getting more financially secure (even though it feels like an uphill struggle) and look to the future with a positive outlook. It's just remaining optimistic and a glass 'half full' type of approach, something that's not always the easiest thing to do.
Nb. This is in no way meant to make anybody think that I don't know how lucky I am, compared to all the problems around the world, my problems fade into insignificance. It is just an account of my worries at the moment.
It must be horrid to feel trapped and not see a way out, we were lucky that we both had houses of our own when we met, before the prices shot sky high and when you could easily get a 100% mortgage. I know it's not ideal but would you not be able to rent your flat out & rent a house in a nicer area just until you were in a position to be able to buy one?
ReplyDeleteAlternatively there is always our garage........
x
It is so hard. I struggle with feelings like this every day where I worry about financial aspects of our lives. We are lucky to have a wonderful home but we have so many out goings I wonder if we will ever be comfortable. I'm always looking to earn more, live in a better house etc, but that's a good thing as it makes us have ambition and drive.
ReplyDeleteBeastie will have amazing memories growing up regardless of whether he has a garden. Are there any nice picnic spots/walks near you? Or go to the beach like you did a few weeks ago, they are the things he will remember most.
And everything happens for a reason. One day you will be able to move. Xx
Oh hun I kind of feel the same. We are trapped in a flat with a monster mortgage and no funds to move out. I honestly believe life has a way of working out and that children remember the simple exciting pleasures as much as the big adventures. You will find your way and I don't think you would be human if you didn't worry. We just want the best for our little precious babies and there is nothing wrong with that x
ReplyDeleteAh thanks Helen, we have looked into renting elsewhere but we would end up having to fork out more, if we wanted to live somewhere nicer. I do keep thinking it's a possibility though one day...
ReplyDeleteShe has a garage too?? Perfect :-) x
I think we just need to make time to take him places, as cheaply as possible and try and make the most of what we have. I know I am not alone in feeling like this so it's comforting to know x
ReplyDeleteI remember you saying about your flat...not ideal for families. I keep telling my husband that things change in life, you never know what may lie ahead in the future...x
ReplyDeleteit needs some clearing out but I'm sure we could fix it up for the 3 of you & even put a window in if you're lucky!! x
ReplyDeleteoh & it has direct access to The Kitchen!! x
ReplyDeleteI've not commented on any of your posts before but this one struck a chord with me as, like you, we are in a flat which suited our needs perfectly when we bought it but with a baby suddenly seems the wrong place to be. Space wise, the flat is actually a really good size for the three of us and I definitely don't feel I'm missing out on the worry associated with having stairs and a little one. But I crave some outside space in a BIG way. I just try and make a concerted effort to go out as much as we can, even if it's just a walk to the village shop or around the local town.
ReplyDeleteIt's natural to worry, I know I do. But I guess it seems other people are in the same boat. But I also know that some of my fondest childhood memories were of making dens with my mum on our upstairs landing, and we had the choice of playing in a lovely garden if we'd wanted.
For us, moving somewhere bigger would mean me returning to work sooner, whereas staying here means I can be a stay at home mummy. It was a tough decision but we decided that having one of us around to see him grow and share his milestones is more important to our little guy than where we live and how much we have.
It sounds very 'rose-tinted specs' of me, but I think all the kids really want is love, cuddles, attention and smiles.
I think being a parent is a tough job and there will always be something for us to worry about. We own our own home but rent it out as we move around with husband and his job. We have a little outside space but not a proper garden and I do miss it. I think as long as you get out and about it will be fine. Maybe meet some other Mummy's you can go out with too so you feel happier. He really wont remember this young and who knows what the future holds xx
ReplyDeleteThank you for your reply. I agree it's been nice not having to deal with stairs in the flat (although the ones outside are a different matter) and being on the same level at all times is reassuring. I know you are right about childhood memories and I know it's the small things in life. We went swimming this morning and I feel much better for doing that, plus when we get home, we don't mind being here having been out! x
ReplyDeleteThanks for your tweet and it's a case of wait and see what happens. I know sometimes situations can turn around quicker than you imagine :-) x
ReplyDeleteI worry about the area that we are moving to after we get married. I know it's not the best and I fear mostly for future kids we may have. But in the end, parents are really the most influential in raising of children. Remember back in the day when people with 7 kids lived in 1 room cabins? They turned out fine! Living space does not define the person. It's what you do with it :)
ReplyDeleteWe're in a flat too and I was riddled with guilt today when I worked so I could have tomorrow off to go to Xmas in July.
ReplyDeleteI knew that would mean Aaron would be indoors with Dad despite it being a beautiful day today.
So he doesn't get the whole paddling pool garden thing and I am gutted about it.
I have never put it into words before but if I stop and think I feel exactly as you do and we do have stairs as we are a 1st floor flat.
Liska xxx
we're all on one level too (once in the flat) and that's nice when Aaron's in his cot xx
ReplyDeleteIt's the people in the home that make it one, not the bricks and mortar! And there is nothing wrong with wanting more, as long as you enjoy the journey..... And if you won the lottery, well, you'd probably worry Beastie's growing up with no concept of money! I think no matter what we find things to worry about and thats ok! And Beastie seems a pretty happy boy to me!
ReplyDeleteI've nominated you for a Kreative blog award :-)
Nat
A very heartfelt post. I imagine Beastie is a happy child despite your worries but I do understand what you're saying. Children are happy outdoors but they are also happy indoors. Is there somewhere nearby that he can play safely?
ReplyDeleteCJ xx
Take it from me, everyone has their problems. Once you've got food in your belly and a roof over your head, the focus shifts. And when your mortgage is paid it shifts again. And so on. But everyone has their worries. everyone.
ReplyDeleteme
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately for someone like you who lives off of their husbands wealth, when you mention worries, choosing between a designer handbag or designer shoes doesn't constitute a worry. Everyone does have their worries, but what I think Mummy and the Beastie was saying that being confined to a flat with no outside space is a worry when you have children and have to rely on going out and spending money which for some is difficult in this current climate. Something I doubt you have to worry about with a mortgage already covered and money at your disposal.
ReplyDeleteGoodness me, Mummie! Seems someone isn't a fan! I know that you know I was referring to your NB. Don't ever apologize for having worries when others are facing more difficult or different circumstances. Your concerns you raised are as real as they get. x
ReplyDeleteMy three eldest lived in a flat until we got our own house in 1999. Joe was 11, Meg 8 and Ella was 3. It was an uphill struggle to escape from the awful area we used to live in, but we did it. You will too. Beastie will be fine because he's got 2 loving parents trying to do their best for him. That's what counts! xxx
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